Posted in humor, life

I was wrong about toddlers

I have worked with children of all ages in variety of capacities and environments so needless to say, I think I am pretty qualified to “wrangle” them in. I love kids and what I love more is giving them back to their parents, especially when they start freaking out. Last weekend however, there were no parents to turn to as I was on my own with a 7 year-old and a 1 year-old toddler.

Go to the arcade, their parents said. It will be fun, they said. Look I am always up for a challenge and considering my cousin was expecting her third child any day I figured I would take her adventurous brood of her hands for a few hours, I mean how hard could it be?

They call the 1 year-old, my godchild, “the beast.” Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that! He’s a tough, curious kid that’s too big for the little baby categorized world he is currently living in; so I thought.

toddler

Once at the arcade aka bouncy house hell aka a place for many accidents to occur, both kids hit the ground running, literally! The older one wanted coins to play games (how the heck did my parents survive my Chuck E. Cheese days!), the younger one wanted to raise some hell. Which one do I give the most attention to first? When do they eat? Will I ever be able to go the bathroom and if so, how does that all work out?

Three hours later, I was exhausted.

Kudos to all the parents, grandparents, nannies and guardians out there getting this done. You deserve a medal. In the meantime, I’m just going push this whole “kids” thing back another few years!

 

Posted in humor

A Day For Lovers?

So Valentine’s Day actually occurred this weekend, huh?! Well, I was too busy preparing for the fourth snow storm by stuffing my face and watching Netflix, that I didn’t really have any time to observe it. I’m not one of those miserable people that don’t believe in L-O-V-E but I do think Valentine’s Day is an embarrassment to everyone.

valentine

I’ve done it!

…Stood in the longest line at my local CVS ( because I’m a big $pender of course) because the guy I’m dating loves Reese Cups and they have a 10 pound one to satisfy his quest for diabetes. I’ve been there with men clearing out the card aisle because they waited until the very last minute. I’ve actually spent a half hour picking out the right flowers for my Mom because I want her to also feel special on this day but….shouldn’t they feel or at least know all of that already? What is the reality of love? It is most definitley not what you see in the movies. Oh yes, I wake up every morning flawless without a touch of morning breath. Never mind your guy making you the most perfect pancakes while you sit in your coordinated, silk pajamas, not lifting a finger. I’m sorry but that type of “love” is not real!

Not even that, if you’re single, you feel like you have to go in hiding because your friends and acquaintances can’t seem to pull themselves away from Instagramming and posting photos of their bouquets. As of yesterday, some girl I know posted a staged pic of her and her “love” proclaiming her love and adoration for their relationship and it had over 150 likes. That’s great you feel that way, I guess but why does your entire social network need to know. Fishy!

To me, the whole principle of Valentine’s Day is stupid. I mean can’t you stuff your face with chocolates and buy yourself flowers any other day of the week?

Posted in boston, humor, life

Is Anyone Alive Out There?

I recently stumbled upon an article featured in the Washington Post that read “Boston’s record-setting snow blitz — a winter’s worth of snow in less than 10 days,” and let me just tell you that this is absolutely true.

I feel like I have gotten to know my Netflix and the food in my refrigerator a lot more closely over the past few weeks. Work has been closed, streets are left unplowed, and you don’t really accomplish anything significant. But hey, who doesn’t wish for a random snow day once in a while? On Grey’s Anatomy, even Alex let Izzy take a Seattle snowday, meaning take the day off and do nothing! I think about those days often after working a bunch of hours and how nice it would be to stay in bed all day.

A man drags a shovel up Beacon Hill during a severe winter snow storm in Boston

I saw a few people (that were not living in New England) on Twitter mention that they would have liked to experience the snowstorms aka Juno, for reasons that I have no IDEA! So for those who fantasize about a winter wonderland and a relaxing day at home. Here is your reality into my experience:

5:45 am– Wake up call from an automated alert from my workplace indicating that we were closed. You would think this would joyous but no, you are thinking about all the things you needed to get done at work today and you have no way of doing so!

8:00ish am-Not being able to force myself to stay in bed any longer, I finally pull the curtain back to see what damage had been done overnight. The street no longer exists and you overhear your neighbors bitching and complaining about shoveling everyday.

8:15 am-Throw on a number of layers (and by this, I mean like nasty sweatpants and sweatshirts, complete with stains) and try to open the front door.

8:17 am- Front and back door won’t open, snow up to waist. Consider going through the window. Consideration over.

8:30 am– Finally get out the door and waddle to my driveway to shovel for a full hour or so. Your snots start to freeze but you keep chugging through because hey, at least it is cardio and the gym is closed!

10:00 am- Return into the house soaked through the various layers. Think about taking a shower because now I’m currently engulfed in sweat. Decide not to because I’m borderline frostbitten and nothing hurts worse then jumping in a hot shower in this state.

10:15 am-Begin to stuff my face because hey, I must have burned close to 1,000 calories shoveling, bending, and brushing the cars off out there.(Pretty sure I brushed my teeth at this point, definitely not my hair).  Weather reports continue to come in that more snow is on its way aka the end of the world.

10:30 am– Warm up slightly and boredom begins to arise. You can’t really commit to anything because you know you will be back outside soon enough.

11:00 am– Dog has to go the bathroom and a trench has to be dug into the snow to her liking. This takes many attempts.

11:30 am-Stuff face again….ohhhh even hot chocolate with marshmallows that you chug because you are so cold and burn the hell out of your throat!

12:00 pm– Repeat everything that just happened for the next two days or until it STOPS!

Snow days aren’t what they used to be. Gone are the days of making forts, cheering when school is closed, and rocking amazing snow pants. So I hope I educated most of you on how unromantic and eventful weather in New England can be.

Posted in humor

Drink More Wine, Paint Like Crap

Let’s have some wine and giggle about brush strokes, paint, and that goofy apron covering up my new sweater from Macy’s!

Have you figured out what I’m referring to yet?

Yes, the Paint Bar or Paint Night or Muse Paint or White Girl Things To Do For Fun I guess; that’s what I’m talking about.

paint-bar-start

Look, I’ll admit it. I have been a participant in these two in a half hour sessions where you learn to paint butterflies and landscapes stroke by stroke. You think it is all fun and games until your painting looks nothing like the girl heading the class and all you want to do is break your canvas in half! In my defense though, both times I did this it was for a fundraiser for charity so at least I know my $35.00 went to a good cause and not for the piece of “artwork” hiding in the back of my closet. I’m not at all trying to bash it, it’s just not for me. The reason I’m bringing it up now? Well, my Mom’s birthday is coming up and I figured I would try to think of an alternative aside from “let’s go stuff our face at some restaurant.” An event at the Paint Bar seems like a pretty tame choice. For two hours, I don’t have to make conversation about how my dog needs her nails clipped. (I talk to my mother daily, not being a bitch here!) Plus, if she wants to get loose, because we know all those crazy ladies at the Paint Bar like to get down, she can have some wine and paint to heart’s desire. I’ve considered this for a few days and of course when I finally decide to go through with, all the crazy ladies have reserved the spots and it is sold out!

This is a sign of course!

The two paintings I have are lost among the shirts and pants that have holes in them that I can’t begin to part with in my bedroom closet. Monstrosities such as those should not see the light of day and I’m pretty sure my Mom would feel the same way about her own creation. Not that it would be a disaster but because at the end of the day when you bring that sucker home, you sit and wonder; “where the hell am I going to put this thing?” OHHHH yes. Let me put it in the front hall so all of my guests can see how artiistic I am… no thanks!

So although my Mom won’t be getting creative this weekend, I will have to be. Maybe eating food isn’t such a bad idea after all 🙂

Posted in health & fitness, humor

Gym Status for the Newbies: 2015

Really

Welp..it’s 2015 and the “resolutioners” have arrived at the gym. Now I have seen a lot of fitness people on social media say things like “Hey you started once too” and “You have to respect anyone that wants to work on their health goals,” and yes, I totally understand that but it needs to be within reason.

I worked in the fitness industry for over seven years and I constantly saw the same thing every January; an influx of new members and gym users and then by March, the treadmills were free. For people that consistently use the gym all year long, you have to believe it does become an annoyance for them. You have your routine and schedule and then you have some new person screwing it all up! IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME during this time of year and although I tip my hat to the sentiments shared by those who are in the professional fitness world, I still sympathize with those of us that have been hanging on all year long.

New Years resolutions in my eyes are a total bust.  People leave the gym eventually. They smoke again eventually. What is the incentive of a new year give you? It’s not essentially a new start if it happens smack in the middle of winter. Why not start after the summer? I don’t know…. I did way better during Lent (which I don’t normally participate in) by giving something up rather than setting out to do something and not possibly accomplish it in 2015. We are only 5 days in, let’s see how long you last.

I’m not miserable (well, sometimes) but for now, realistic.

Posted in humor, life

Halloween Is The One Night A Year When…

… well you know the rest. I mean “DUH! I’m a mouse!”

regina

Please help me understand the satisfaction some girls feel after parading around in a wedgie for hours on end in the brisk October weather. Hey, I live in New England and it starts feeling like winter by mid-September so even thinking about exposing an ankle sends shivers up my spine! I mean where did this invasion of wearing lingerie for Halloween come from anyway? OK, so you have a turquoise bra with rainbow knee highs, who are you supposed to be? Ohhh.. Rainbow Brite..should have guessed that! How about the girls that make normal occupations sexual? A naughty firefighter, nurse, cop, etc? Or turning innocent cartoon characters into sex fiends? (cue the BuzzFeed articles). Doesn’t seem like too much creativity there. I remember one Halloween when my sister was in the early high school years and she came down the stairs in pigtails, the shortest skirt, wait was it a skirt or a bandana? and hooker heels. I asked her what she was supposed to be and she lazily replied, “a slut.” Wow! Really? Her friends were going as the same mind-numbing costume and all I could leave her with was “good luck with that!”

What’s wrong with being a purple crayon? OK maybe that’s not the coolest but at least you won’t have to rack up a charge card at Vicki Secret!

Posted in health & fitness, humor, life

Gym Woes

Everyone writes posts about the types of people you see at the gym and they are overall pretty accurate and hysterical. This isn’t one of those posts though, instead these are my observations in my new gym environment that I can’t help but share. Let me remind you that I was a part of a women’s only club for the past year and a half, so going back to co-ed is like being released back into the wild. New sites, new smells, and an over-run population of the male species. Gone are the days of Cosmo Magazine, hot pink dumbbells (yes, this was a post last year!) and trendy eucalyptus water. This, my fit friends, is the mother lovin’ real world of gym life.

fit

Site Seeing

You would think that proper footwear would be a no-brainer when it comes to working out, at least for most of us. The 5:00 am crew at my new gym has other preferences. To the man wearing sandals: why bother wearing sneakers to protect your feet while hoisting weights that double your body weight? There’s nothing I like better then smelling weight room sweat coupled with crusty feet fungus. Plus, do I really want to look at your overgrown big toe nail in the middle of a deadlift? It’s a like a bad accident, don’t want to look but can’t look away.

Mirror and Rack Envy

This was a factor in both gyms but guys really LOVE to hog the mirror for 1 set of 4 of god knows what movement. I totally get watching your form in the mirror but why do you have to block the entire free weight rack? Excuse me while I crawl through your legs to return my weights to the bottom row.

I Didn’t Know You Could Do That With A Weight….

So that 1 set of 4 god knows what is a daily weight room occurrence. Props for trying to go heavy and push yourself but if you can’t get your bicep curl passed your belly button, are you really making a difference? There are also those that do things with weights I’ve never, ever, in my life seen before and that is not necessarily a good thing!

Grunt, Slam, Take A Walk

Go to gym with guys; check!

Smells

Hey, we all sweat and that’s a sign of a great workout, right? But what if I can ring out your shirt, not like I would want to, but wouldn’t you think you might consider bringing an extra? You know, before you lay all over the benches and not wipe them down? It’s not just the sweat that is bothersome but also the cloud of protein farts that overcome my nostrils as I struggle to breathe. We had a bunch of toot blowers at the women’s gym but the muscle milk infused blasts definitely stay with you.

Hey, I’m not trying to hate this Friday morning but instead spread the joys of trying to find distractions when working hard at the gym. No, I’m not against working out in a co-ed gym, I actually prefer it and not all of these observations are about men either. I think anyone that is trying to work out should be extremely proud of themselves but you have to make sure you are doing it the right way!